For some reason, this newsletter was incredibly hard for me to write. The truth is that I really don’t know what I want to say. But I guess I have decided to use a little less sarcasm, and do a little more “soul-baring.” But I realize that there is a good chance you could care less about what is going on in my soul. I suppose that you will just have to suck it up, and as Marc would say, “Deal with it.” Especially you, Sedrico.
Over the last few months, God has continued to stretch me, mold me, and tug on me in both visible ways and unseen. And yet, He still feels very distant. I want a passionate, love relationship with God, but right now it feels more like a marriage of about 40 years; a lot more devotion and obedience than intimate moments. Despite having a very blessed time in South Africa, it hasn’t been without frustrations. I was hoping that after finally finding what I felt like God was leading me to do, life would begin to get a bit easier. But unfortunately, that hasn’t really been the case. If I’m not worried about my living situation, then I’m worried about running out of money. If I’m not worried about my grandmother being sick thousands of miles away, I’m worried about getting my brand new camera fixed. If I’m not worried about getting projects done, then I’m worried about our team dynamics. And all of this is in the shadow of the sad reality that this is all going to end soon. Soon, I will return home to an empty bank account, no job, and no direction in life. And I began to realize why I have a problem with my closeness to God. I don’t trust Him. In my mind, I obviously do, but in my soul I can’t honestly say that I believe He has my best interests at heart. Do I really believe that God is supremely good and He will guide me, protect me, and provide for me? My head says yes, but my heart is unsure. And there lies my problem. How can I live closely to a God I don’t trust? It’s impossible. But my amazing mother blessed me with a passage that has slowly been changing my heart: James 1:2-4. I’m not going to write it out because I want to make you look it up, (or maybe you are better than I am and have it memorized). As Sedrico likes to say, this was an amazing word to me, “in season.”
Through these verses, including other verses and words of encouragement from friends and mentors, I believe that God was telling me very quietly, “It’s ok. I am in control. Everything has happened for a reason. I have a plan for you. And I will protect you. I will provide for you. I will guide you. But you must learn to trust me.” So even though I am stubborn, I have slowly been learning what it means to trust Him. And that starts with realizing how blessed I am and all that I have to be thankful for. I may be poor, but I am rich in family and friends. I am so incredibly blessed with such an amazing family who loves me and cares about me more than I could possibly deserve. I have friends who encourage and entertain me. I have an incredible host family that goes out of their way to care for me at every turn. I have a boss who genuinely cares for me, and who shows me what it means to be passionate about God and your ministry. I have a team who never ceases to amaze me with their hearts and their talents. I have an office full of people who support me, laugh with me, encourage me, and push me to be a better Christian and person. I have hundreds of children who have laughed at me, talked with me, accepted me, and loved me more than I could have ever expected. I have my own personal “gang” of 6th graders who are affectionately known as “The Maletjies.” I live in a beautiful city, with amazing people, and I eat delicious food. How could I not trust God when He has blessed me so much? How can I doubt His goodness when I have so much to be thankful for? The answer is that I simply can’t. God is too good, and His blessings are too abundant. Even a blind maletjie like me can see that. I just pray that I continue to see just how good He is, and how lucky I am.
